Why is it so damn hard?

I want to ask her out, but I don't know how to. Is it fear? Confusion? I am not too sure of the answers that I seek. I know I have learned from the past to take a chance, but should I? Or have I learned anything in the first place? Why am I so confused and outright questioning myself? What shall I do?

One year later...

Last year, it all began. The new mindset of wanting a relationship. I may never know where it came from; heart or mind, but I do know that it has been a painful year. With the next generation having their prom now, it brings up hard memories of the past, the current situation of the present, and the possible excitement and fear of the future.

It feels strange to have the next generation having their prom, when mine feel as if it was just yesterday. Feelings of numbness and confusion are overwhelming, but I feel as if I am maturing Lang with the growth of time. 

I wish the best to all those going to prom today, and hope they live their lives well. 

Building and destroying friendships: Is it really just life? Or something else?

It happens. You have a group of friends, and everything is awesome and amazing, and then someone says something that someone else doesn't agree with. People take sides or make someone an outcast, and then the entire group eventually breaks down.

Its life. Learn to cope with it; move on with your head raised to the sky. I will say, however, it does suck. You want to make things better and what not, but sometimes, things just happen and you need to move on to greater things.

WTF does drama in life exits (guys point of view) -PG rated rant

Honestly, why does the entire idea of "drama" even exist. I recently had one of my first "real" experiences of drama when a girl I knew became pissed off at me for no reason. I really don't understand why people would just create all of this "drama" for no reason, yet there has to be a reason. Is it for attention? solving personal problems? I could not answer those very questions, but I do know my opinion, and that is know it the fu*k off. Don't spend your precious time in life trying to mess up others friendships and lives. Just live your own life. If you have a problem, talk about it as an adult instead of getting all pissy and making rumors up, or just get out of my life. Its that simple. Everyone has their OWN life. Live yours.

Now, you never rally know what can be going on in the person's life. They could be having trouble at home, or some reminders of a hollow past, yet it is never too late to start a more positive future. Live in the present, cherish your life experiences and most importantly, cherish your friends; live your life.

Just take the first step... Blurb

In life, when one wishes to achieve a certain goal or idea, all they have to do is take one step. It doesn't matter if it is in health, wealth, social or a personal goal, every great journey must start from somewhere. From discovering North America, to landing on the moon, all journeys must being with that one thought; that one idea. The next, very important stage is acting on that idea. Don't let the dream die. After you have made the initial thought, hang onto it; believe it. Cherish it in your heart, and it will become your reality.

Growing up - Its a trap

It really feels that way sometimes  Friends move away to schools, people have work; jobs, and the drama as well as the events in life start to take over.

Sometimes, I just want to tell my younger self to enjoy being young, but I must admit, being older does have its perks ;^)

Why am I so nice to people?

Sometimes, It feels like a curse. Being too nice makes me basically throw myself under a bus for another, or being almost instantly 'friend zoned. It sucks, and sometimes, it does feel like good guys finish last, but I don't change, because I know that I have to be myself.

I know for a fact that I have to 'grow a pair' and what not, but I know I shouldn't change who I am just for other people. I will continue to be myself, and you never know, one day...

The First Crush Never Really Goes Away...

Its hard. It really is, especially when you still have to learn to move on and try to forget the past. The problem is, I'm not sure if I want to forget it. I still see her pictures, and what she does, etc... And I still have that yearning to be by her side, knowing that she probably hasn't thought of me for almost a year. It hurts, but life goes on.

Never forget your friends.

Very wise words. You never know when you will need them. With that being said, you never really do know who your TRUE friends are until you are in the position when you need them the most. Always love your friends, and they will return the love tenfold.

The future

Who am I? What will I be?
When I leave into the world, when I leave my family,
The sun rises on a brand new day,
Yet I cannot see the shore of the other side of the bay,

What will I do? What will I become?
Schools, Careers and jobs,
Unknown for me,
Where will this confusion stop?

Sometimes an adventure, and sometimes a curse,
Where will the wheel stop? No one knows,
Even my heart is in confusion,
And as well, my soul,

Yesterday is the past, tomorrow the future,
One cannot control either, so live today: the present,
Forget about the venom, the addiction of lies,
Live your life today, and the rest will just fly!

My experience thus far with Love and relationships

It really is an "over complicate" story for me. So far, I feel as if I have been teased by love. In grade 12, I had my first crush. When prom came around, I was stupid and never asked her out. We both went alone, and the same with after prom (we both stayed in the same cabin too.) When I finally shared my feelings with her, being totally honest and asking her out, it was too late. I had to go to my DND course, and she was getting ready for university. to this day, I still feel the pain and sadness from not asking her. I let myself down, and I can't forgive myself for that.

In my victory lap in high school, I thought I finally got over the hardness of love when i fell for someone else. We were both in the same club and everything. This time, I would consult my friends about love before I asked her out. Just when I was about to open my mouth, one of my closest friends said that HE loved her and was about to ask her out. All my friends supported him, and I made another stupid move: I didn't say anything. For the next few months, I died inside as I watched him and her both "try it." When it didn't work out, I was honest with both of them, and felt like I missed the train, again.

I then had a few smaller "sorties" after that, asking a few friends out here and there. Still, no success. They would always give an excuse, such as: Oh, i'm to busy" or "Your not my type" or "I'm interested in someone else" and many, many other statements.

Most recently, I asked my one new friend out. She was literally the girl of my dreams. Kind, beautiful, from another place and had that "passion" for life. Just before I was going to causally ask her out, she began to rant on how "[she] didn't believe in relationships" and how "[she doesn't] want a relationship and [doesn't] have the time" and so on. This discouraged me, so stupid me, I didn't even try and backed off. next week, I find out that she is on her fifth date with another person. Am I doing something wrong?

There's been a few more things here and there, and most recently, I thought I could ask this other friend of mine out, but it wouldn't work. I don't know anymore.

I know I am young, and there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I just honestly don't know what to do anymore. Love sucks... Everyone I know or have even heard of me always says that "You are the nicest, funnest and bestest dude ever!" and "Whoever you date is one lucky gal!" but then why hasn't anything happened? Meh, I am 18 and about to go off to Uni/college. I guess we will have to see where life goes.

Free bird - The free bird, flying alone (Adult content)

Being alone is probably the worst feeling for a human to feel. Your world seems to be a dark place with no point of going forward. You begin to think that you are the problem, or that you are doing something wrong. You've tried for over a year now with a few different people, but are denied the feeling of being loved back. You are just another friend. You drown in your thoughts as you write your emotions down on paper, because it is you way of screaming to the world "I want to be loved back!" and just like a horror movie, no one can hear you scream.

There are beautiful people, everywhere. You are known among everyone as a kind, responsible, loyal and loving friend. But you are only a friend. You want to try be something more and try to be in a relationship. It's grade thirteen, and your getting ready for post secondary, and you have NEVER been in a relationship before, never dated and never got your first kiss. You feel like you've missed out on life, so you start trying and trying to find love. You start to try so hard that you start to break. People start asking others to their prom, and this reminds you of all the horrible, dark, and scarring memories that started this loveless mess in the first place. You were not strong. As a friend, you still help your friends ask others out to prom, and dates. You love them, but you let them run over you. You feel like you opinion doesn't matter, why should it? This is the love of their life and you are their friend,. so you should help them. You are a carpet. You let people step all over you and stomp you into the fucking Ground.You are garbage. You ask yourself, with your mighty self esteem issues, why the fuck do you get up in the morning. You are just going to feel the same crappy emotions at the end of the day. It is because you are Naive, young and have the demoniacal emotion called Hope. You have faith in a better future. You think you deserve to be happy; you always get up and out of your bed the same way. You go into the world, and  see you friends cuddling, laughing, kissing each other and enjoying their lives and you feel stuck on the outside; no you don't give up, you put on a mask and you go out anyways and you pretend to be alright and hid your real emotions from the world. You feel alone.

Why can't you be loved? You have amazing friends and family, and a great reputation with everyone that has ever heard your name. You have achieved so many large goals! You are healthy, you live in the wonderful country of Canada with a roof over your head, yet you feel strange. You feel numb. why?

Is it you? Everyone says you are not their type, or they are with someone else, or they just have too much school, or are leaving for school and don't want to complicate things, or don't believe in relationships, then the next day, they are out smooching on another guy's face. Out of the entire world, you have given so much kindness, gifts, help, and love, but what the hell is going wrong?

You go to bed as usual, and think of your past, present and future. So many times, have you been teased by love. Not asking her out, asking too late, not being yourself, letting others go ahead of you, feeling or being "stupid" and people claiming "don't worry, there are many fish in the sea, and maybe you just haven't found the right person yet. She's out there somewhere." Why can't you get anyone? I know I ask the question: "Is it me?"

I no longer know what to do. I don't know what to say, or even believe in anymore. The once sparkling, pure ponds of my heart and soul are now murky, foggy waters of lost hope and lost loves. Why? Am I even ready to love? And if not, what makes me ready? I am still young...