Sucking at relationships: Poem

There you are, right in front of me. Your eyes, beautiful in colour, reflect the world in brilliant colours. You stand proud and tall, and are so very strong. You are smart, beautiful, caring, and brilliant. So many things that make you, you.

I love you, but I never have told you. To you, I am a friend, and a good friend at that. I help you out as you help me. We have laughs and share the good times and bad, and are there in battle together.

I don't know how to tell you; shall I play with this relationship? Shall I risk such a true friendship over a thought of love? What is love anyways? I yearn to tell you the truth. I tried once, but the timing was wrong, but since then, life has evolved, and we have both grown. I want to move away from the past and into the future. What do you say?

_____  ______, Will you go out with me?

Why is it so damn hard?

I want to ask her out, but I don't know how to. Is it fear? Confusion? I am not too sure of the answers that I seek. I know I have learned from the past to take a chance, but should I? Or have I learned anything in the first place? Why am I so confused and outright questioning myself? What shall I do?

One year later...

Last year, it all began. The new mindset of wanting a relationship. I may never know where it came from; heart or mind, but I do know that it has been a painful year. With the next generation having their prom now, it brings up hard memories of the past, the current situation of the present, and the possible excitement and fear of the future.

It feels strange to have the next generation having their prom, when mine feel as if it was just yesterday. Feelings of numbness and confusion are overwhelming, but I feel as if I am maturing Lang with the growth of time. 

I wish the best to all those going to prom today, and hope they live their lives well. 

Building and destroying friendships: Is it really just life? Or something else?

It happens. You have a group of friends, and everything is awesome and amazing, and then someone says something that someone else doesn't agree with. People take sides or make someone an outcast, and then the entire group eventually breaks down.

Its life. Learn to cope with it; move on with your head raised to the sky. I will say, however, it does suck. You want to make things better and what not, but sometimes, things just happen and you need to move on to greater things.

Jealousy? Lust?

I know it is a random post and all, but I think after all this time, I have felt jealousy. When I look at the ones I love and want to be with, I feel the oddest sensation in my heart. I am happy to be there with them, yet feel farther than ever. It doesn't matter if they know your feelings or not, you see or hear them hanging out with others and your heart starts to beat in a pattern you are not used to. You long to be with them, but you are an electric car without a battery; you can not go anywhere with them. It is OK to be in the friend zone, you get used to it, but this new emotion of 'jealousy' is so hard to get rid of.

This also leads to lust. You really love the person, yet you also love their body. This is beautiful, yet it becomes a problem when you barely know the person, yet you love their body. This is setting yourself up to be hurt in the end. Unless you act from your heart, your eyes will probably get you no where.

In conclusion, just be yourself. The person who you are not with are missing out on the best thing in the world: YOU! Live your own life. While it is OK to feel lust (its natural, especially for us teens) just go wioth the flow of life, and don't let negative feelings control you.

The mysteries of the ins and outs...

Hmm, Life works in odd ways, does it not? When ones heart thinks that it has found something  an event causes the world to change and it you start all over again, where similar events take place again and again in one odd cycle.

As soon as you think you've mastered your heart, another person walks into your world, and then you begin to question if you really do know yourself like the way you claim to.

Growing up - Its a trap

It really feels that way sometimes  Friends move away to schools, people have work; jobs, and the drama as well as the events in life start to take over.

Sometimes, I just want to tell my younger self to enjoy being young, but I must admit, being older does have its perks ;^)

Why am I so nice to people?

Sometimes, It feels like a curse. Being too nice makes me basically throw myself under a bus for another, or being almost instantly 'friend zoned. It sucks, and sometimes, it does feel like good guys finish last, but I don't change, because I know that I have to be myself.

I know for a fact that I have to 'grow a pair' and what not, but I know I shouldn't change who I am just for other people. I will continue to be myself, and you never know, one day...

Alone

It feels very sad

       The other half not yet here

                Wish it was here now

What is love? Really?!

It feels like an impossible question to answer, yet it remains lingering on the mind.

Just like that Haddaway remix of "what is love..." really, what is it? Everyone seems to have their own answer. Scientists believe it is a mixture of hormones and chemicals in the brain, giving one the drive to mate, and stay with a certain individual. A more religious person such as a priest may tell you that love is god inside you, showing you your destiny, and who your true love is in gods plan. Between these two ideas, there are an infinite amount of other hypothesis's that try to explain the various waves of emotions that overtake the mind when you feel love.

I come to believe that only the individual can create their own idea on what love is, so I am going to try and share mine. To me, love is something absolutely beautiful. It might be hard to explain, but you just know it is love. As a young seventeen year-old, I don't believe I have felt the true feeling of love (besides my wonderful family) yet, I know it is somewhere out there. At times, it feels like love teases me, with couples kissing and snuggling in front of me all the time, yet I know that my turn to feel love is out there. Love isn't lust, yet the opposite. You may or may not also be attracted physically, but there is that underlying feeling that is hard to explain. It's when your heart wants to jump out of your body and scream to the world "I love you for being you!" It's when you feel happy, and you are meant to be happy; you know it.

The First Crush Never Really Goes Away...

Its hard. It really is, especially when you still have to learn to move on and try to forget the past. The problem is, I'm not sure if I want to forget it. I still see her pictures, and what she does, etc... And I still have that yearning to be by her side, knowing that she probably hasn't thought of me for almost a year. It hurts, but life goes on.

Gender: What is it?

The human experience seems to always be divided into two separate "sides." You always have light and dark, day and night, good and evil, love and hate, and of course: male and female. I just find gender an interesting topic to discuss due to how much it actually effects the lives of every human being, yet it is something that it is never really talked about in depth because it can sometimes feel like a "social taboo."

It doesn't matter if you are male, female or anything in between, you are a human being. One of the most amazing things about being a human being is the idea of diversity. We would never survive without it, both physically, and spiritually. No one is better at being you than you.

Today, society has created three different categories of gender: male, female and other. Both the male and female genders are completely based biologically, yet the third category: other, which includes transsexuals, etc... Is not based biologically, but on a sense of self-thoughts.

Men and women are different biologically due to evolution of the human species. In religious texts, females were created by a rib of man, yet all stories point to there being a clear boundary of what a male and female are. Men crave woman, and woman crave men and both reproduce. Other couples such as those that are gay, surround others with happiness.

Is there any shame in a woman wanting to be a man for a day, or a man a woman? I believe no. In the matter of fact, I think that it is a beautiful idea, which could encourage tolerance, and a new sacred bond between the genders.

In the end, we will always need two half's to make a whole, but that is also the beauty of life.

My experience thus far with Love and relationships

It really is an "over complicate" story for me. So far, I feel as if I have been teased by love. In grade 12, I had my first crush. When prom came around, I was stupid and never asked her out. We both went alone, and the same with after prom (we both stayed in the same cabin too.) When I finally shared my feelings with her, being totally honest and asking her out, it was too late. I had to go to my DND course, and she was getting ready for university. to this day, I still feel the pain and sadness from not asking her. I let myself down, and I can't forgive myself for that.

In my victory lap in high school, I thought I finally got over the hardness of love when i fell for someone else. We were both in the same club and everything. This time, I would consult my friends about love before I asked her out. Just when I was about to open my mouth, one of my closest friends said that HE loved her and was about to ask her out. All my friends supported him, and I made another stupid move: I didn't say anything. For the next few months, I died inside as I watched him and her both "try it." When it didn't work out, I was honest with both of them, and felt like I missed the train, again.

I then had a few smaller "sorties" after that, asking a few friends out here and there. Still, no success. They would always give an excuse, such as: Oh, i'm to busy" or "Your not my type" or "I'm interested in someone else" and many, many other statements.

Most recently, I asked my one new friend out. She was literally the girl of my dreams. Kind, beautiful, from another place and had that "passion" for life. Just before I was going to causally ask her out, she began to rant on how "[she] didn't believe in relationships" and how "[she doesn't] want a relationship and [doesn't] have the time" and so on. This discouraged me, so stupid me, I didn't even try and backed off. next week, I find out that she is on her fifth date with another person. Am I doing something wrong?

There's been a few more things here and there, and most recently, I thought I could ask this other friend of mine out, but it wouldn't work. I don't know anymore.

I know I am young, and there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I just honestly don't know what to do anymore. Love sucks... Everyone I know or have even heard of me always says that "You are the nicest, funnest and bestest dude ever!" and "Whoever you date is one lucky gal!" but then why hasn't anything happened? Meh, I am 18 and about to go off to Uni/college. I guess we will have to see where life goes.

Free bird - The free bird, flying alone (Adult content)

Being alone is probably the worst feeling for a human to feel. Your world seems to be a dark place with no point of going forward. You begin to think that you are the problem, or that you are doing something wrong. You've tried for over a year now with a few different people, but are denied the feeling of being loved back. You are just another friend. You drown in your thoughts as you write your emotions down on paper, because it is you way of screaming to the world "I want to be loved back!" and just like a horror movie, no one can hear you scream.

There are beautiful people, everywhere. You are known among everyone as a kind, responsible, loyal and loving friend. But you are only a friend. You want to try be something more and try to be in a relationship. It's grade thirteen, and your getting ready for post secondary, and you have NEVER been in a relationship before, never dated and never got your first kiss. You feel like you've missed out on life, so you start trying and trying to find love. You start to try so hard that you start to break. People start asking others to their prom, and this reminds you of all the horrible, dark, and scarring memories that started this loveless mess in the first place. You were not strong. As a friend, you still help your friends ask others out to prom, and dates. You love them, but you let them run over you. You feel like you opinion doesn't matter, why should it? This is the love of their life and you are their friend,. so you should help them. You are a carpet. You let people step all over you and stomp you into the fucking Ground.You are garbage. You ask yourself, with your mighty self esteem issues, why the fuck do you get up in the morning. You are just going to feel the same crappy emotions at the end of the day. It is because you are Naive, young and have the demoniacal emotion called Hope. You have faith in a better future. You think you deserve to be happy; you always get up and out of your bed the same way. You go into the world, and  see you friends cuddling, laughing, kissing each other and enjoying their lives and you feel stuck on the outside; no you don't give up, you put on a mask and you go out anyways and you pretend to be alright and hid your real emotions from the world. You feel alone.

Why can't you be loved? You have amazing friends and family, and a great reputation with everyone that has ever heard your name. You have achieved so many large goals! You are healthy, you live in the wonderful country of Canada with a roof over your head, yet you feel strange. You feel numb. why?

Is it you? Everyone says you are not their type, or they are with someone else, or they just have too much school, or are leaving for school and don't want to complicate things, or don't believe in relationships, then the next day, they are out smooching on another guy's face. Out of the entire world, you have given so much kindness, gifts, help, and love, but what the hell is going wrong?

You go to bed as usual, and think of your past, present and future. So many times, have you been teased by love. Not asking her out, asking too late, not being yourself, letting others go ahead of you, feeling or being "stupid" and people claiming "don't worry, there are many fish in the sea, and maybe you just haven't found the right person yet. She's out there somewhere." Why can't you get anyone? I know I ask the question: "Is it me?"

I no longer know what to do. I don't know what to say, or even believe in anymore. The once sparkling, pure ponds of my heart and soul are now murky, foggy waters of lost hope and lost loves. Why? Am I even ready to love? And if not, what makes me ready? I am still young...