Being alone is probably the worst feeling for a human to feel. Your world seems to be a dark place with no point of going forward. You begin to think that you are the problem, or that you are doing something wrong. You've tried for over a year now with a few different people, but are denied the feeling of being loved back. You are just another friend. You drown in your thoughts as you write your emotions down on paper, because it is you way of screaming to the world "I want to be loved back!" and just like a horror movie, no one can hear you scream.
There are beautiful people, everywhere. You are known among everyone as a kind, responsible, loyal and loving friend. But you are only a friend. You want to try be something more and try to be in a relationship. It's grade thirteen, and your getting ready for post secondary, and you have NEVER been in a relationship before, never dated and never got your first kiss. You feel like you've missed out on life, so you start trying and trying to find love. You start to try so hard that you start to break. People start asking others to their prom, and this reminds you of all the horrible, dark, and scarring memories that started this loveless mess in the first place. You were not strong. As a friend, you still help your friends ask others out to prom, and dates. You love them, but you let them run over you. You feel like you opinion doesn't matter, why should it? This is the love of their life and you are their friend,. so you should help them. You are a carpet. You let people step all over you and stomp you into the fucking Ground.You are garbage. You ask yourself, with your mighty self esteem issues, why the fuck do you get up in the morning. You are just going to feel the same crappy emotions at the end of the day. It is because you are Naive, young and have the demoniacal emotion called Hope. You have faith in a better future. You think you deserve to be happy; you always get up and out of your bed the same way. You go into the world, and see you friends cuddling, laughing, kissing each other and enjoying their lives and you feel stuck on the outside; no you don't give up, you put on a mask and you go out anyways and you pretend to be alright and hid your real emotions from the world. You feel alone.
Why can't you be loved? You have amazing friends and family, and a great reputation with everyone that has ever heard your name. You have achieved so many large goals! You are healthy, you live in the wonderful country of Canada with a roof over your head, yet you feel strange. You feel numb. why?
Is it you? Everyone says you are not their type, or they are with someone else, or they just have too much school, or are leaving for school and don't want to complicate things, or don't believe in relationships, then the next day, they are out smooching on another guy's face. Out of the entire world, you have given so much kindness, gifts, help, and love, but what the hell is going wrong?
You go to bed as usual, and think of your past, present and future. So many times, have you been teased by love. Not asking her out, asking too late, not being yourself, letting others go ahead of you, feeling or being "stupid" and people claiming "don't worry, there are many fish in the sea, and maybe you just haven't found the right person yet. She's out there somewhere." Why can't you get anyone? I know I ask the question: "Is it me?"
I no longer know what to do. I don't know what to say, or even believe in anymore. The once sparkling, pure ponds of my heart and soul are now murky, foggy waters of lost hope and lost loves. Why? Am I even ready to love? And if not, what makes me ready? I am still young...
No comments:
Post a Comment