Sucking at relationships: Poem

There you are, right in front of me. Your eyes, beautiful in colour, reflect the world in brilliant colours. You stand proud and tall, and are so very strong. You are smart, beautiful, caring, and brilliant. So many things that make you, you.

I love you, but I never have told you. To you, I am a friend, and a good friend at that. I help you out as you help me. We have laughs and share the good times and bad, and are there in battle together.

I don't know how to tell you; shall I play with this relationship? Shall I risk such a true friendship over a thought of love? What is love anyways? I yearn to tell you the truth. I tried once, but the timing was wrong, but since then, life has evolved, and we have both grown. I want to move away from the past and into the future. What do you say?

_____  ______, Will you go out with me?

The Flower: One day

Oh, flower. How I love thee.

When I first set my eyes upon thou, my heart skipped a beat as I stared into your deep, deep eyes.
I was shy as I approached you for the first time; curious, yet not knowing what to expect. You are beautiful, beyond comparison. Your beautiful pedals, so full of life and colour as they draw me in. My nose goes crazy over your scent. I kneel to you. I introduce myself to you, and you to me. We are drawn closer to each other as my heart leaps out of my chest and into your delicate leafs. You gracefully rap your soft, delicate leafs around it and embrace it, yet are gentle with it. You care for it, with your kindness, integrity and empathy. You have me. I come in and you accept me. I feel your healthy, curvy stem; chemicals rushing through both of our bodies and into our brains like bullets.

Here I am, with you, and you with me. I hug you and you blossom as the sun warms you and creates an ever changing exchange of chemicals and messages throughout your body. You stand tall, proud, Smart, intelligent   and beautiful. Yet somehow, with all of this; all this beauty, you have a heart of solid gold. So many others have tried to mine that golden heart out of you; steal it with shovels, pickaxes, TNT and even diggers, but here you are, with my heart, and you giving me yours. How could I have such a perfect flower?

I awake from the dream, realizing that it is only the start of spring. There are no flowers outside in the garden yet. While the world may be currently dark, cold and alone for the moment due to winter passing by, the spring; summer is on its way. I shall wait. I have patience. I haven't met you yet, and you may only be a seed, or even a mere grain of sand right now, but soon, you will be that beautiful flower in my life, bringing beauty into my world. With all of my heart, I love you.

Until then, I shall live my life true, as I await for you.

Alone

It feels very sad

       The other half not yet here

                Wish it was here now

Please answer: Why?

The one question on my mind is why. Why would you, after all this time; after all the good memories and gifts, would you just throw our friendship out the window, and accuse me of something I never did, and sick your boyfriend on me? Why?

When I first met you, you were somewhat alone, yet beautifully innocent. You were new to our country, and I showed you kindness and loved you when others did not. Why then, did you forget this act of selflessness? Why?

I then introduced you to much of our country, I even introduced you to many new things and experiences. We both laughed, smiled and had fun. The wind full of our laughter. Yet you simply let these memories drift away in the wind. Why?

I introduced you to a new, loving group of friends, and together, we all went out to lunch, had good times, and created many good memories and pictures that will never leave, yet you somehow forgot about these too. Why?

You got a boyfriend. I was really happy for you. I gave you guys space, respect for both of you, and my blessing as a friend. I even put a fake smile on my face for when you both kissed in front of me. But you threw all of this out the window. Why?

I shared all of my feelings with you. You knew my feelings for you, and we helped each other in tough times, but you block these memories. Why?

Here I am now, broken on the floor and cornered. You blamed me for saying something I never did. I have witnesses, my self-confidence and a thousand other things to prove I am in the right, yet you don’t believe me, after all we have done, you avoid me, you are afraid of me, you hate me. To you, I am a disease; a plague. I am your worst nightmares come true. You never look me in the eyes. Even our mutual friends want to talk to you about how I am innocent, yet you ignore them as well as my thoughts. It is unfair, and evil. You drown me in my own thoughts, and silence my soul. As you abandon me and you friends for your new life with your boyfriend, your world, I can only ask you one question from my heart. It is the only question I can fathom to believe in any more. The only thing on my mind, moon after moon after moon. Why?

The future

Who am I? What will I be?
When I leave into the world, when I leave my family,
The sun rises on a brand new day,
Yet I cannot see the shore of the other side of the bay,

What will I do? What will I become?
Schools, Careers and jobs,
Unknown for me,
Where will this confusion stop?

Sometimes an adventure, and sometimes a curse,
Where will the wheel stop? No one knows,
Even my heart is in confusion,
And as well, my soul,

Yesterday is the past, tomorrow the future,
One cannot control either, so live today: the present,
Forget about the venom, the addiction of lies,
Live your life today, and the rest will just fly!

Free bird - The free bird, flying alone (Adult content)

Being alone is probably the worst feeling for a human to feel. Your world seems to be a dark place with no point of going forward. You begin to think that you are the problem, or that you are doing something wrong. You've tried for over a year now with a few different people, but are denied the feeling of being loved back. You are just another friend. You drown in your thoughts as you write your emotions down on paper, because it is you way of screaming to the world "I want to be loved back!" and just like a horror movie, no one can hear you scream.

There are beautiful people, everywhere. You are known among everyone as a kind, responsible, loyal and loving friend. But you are only a friend. You want to try be something more and try to be in a relationship. It's grade thirteen, and your getting ready for post secondary, and you have NEVER been in a relationship before, never dated and never got your first kiss. You feel like you've missed out on life, so you start trying and trying to find love. You start to try so hard that you start to break. People start asking others to their prom, and this reminds you of all the horrible, dark, and scarring memories that started this loveless mess in the first place. You were not strong. As a friend, you still help your friends ask others out to prom, and dates. You love them, but you let them run over you. You feel like you opinion doesn't matter, why should it? This is the love of their life and you are their friend,. so you should help them. You are a carpet. You let people step all over you and stomp you into the fucking Ground.You are garbage. You ask yourself, with your mighty self esteem issues, why the fuck do you get up in the morning. You are just going to feel the same crappy emotions at the end of the day. It is because you are Naive, young and have the demoniacal emotion called Hope. You have faith in a better future. You think you deserve to be happy; you always get up and out of your bed the same way. You go into the world, and  see you friends cuddling, laughing, kissing each other and enjoying their lives and you feel stuck on the outside; no you don't give up, you put on a mask and you go out anyways and you pretend to be alright and hid your real emotions from the world. You feel alone.

Why can't you be loved? You have amazing friends and family, and a great reputation with everyone that has ever heard your name. You have achieved so many large goals! You are healthy, you live in the wonderful country of Canada with a roof over your head, yet you feel strange. You feel numb. why?

Is it you? Everyone says you are not their type, or they are with someone else, or they just have too much school, or are leaving for school and don't want to complicate things, or don't believe in relationships, then the next day, they are out smooching on another guy's face. Out of the entire world, you have given so much kindness, gifts, help, and love, but what the hell is going wrong?

You go to bed as usual, and think of your past, present and future. So many times, have you been teased by love. Not asking her out, asking too late, not being yourself, letting others go ahead of you, feeling or being "stupid" and people claiming "don't worry, there are many fish in the sea, and maybe you just haven't found the right person yet. She's out there somewhere." Why can't you get anyone? I know I ask the question: "Is it me?"

I no longer know what to do. I don't know what to say, or even believe in anymore. The once sparkling, pure ponds of my heart and soul are now murky, foggy waters of lost hope and lost loves. Why? Am I even ready to love? And if not, what makes me ready? I am still young...